Banzai Suite, Part 4:
Kaddish

5 August 2001—We wanted to make his last moments special. I gave him a complete bath, drying him off with a hair dryer, none of which he seemed to mind, which was sad in itself because he probably would have been quite upset about it all had he been healthy. But he was clean, and his coat was shiny and smelled sweet.

Just before Dr. Schultz came over, we gave Banz his final meal, solid white albacore tuna packed in vegetable oil, which had become strictly forbidden a year ago. He ate it like a contestant in a pie-eating competition. We all sat around him, watching him scarf it down until his jaws were tired. We were laughing at what he must have been thinking: Man, that’s a hell of a mistake they made, giving this to me — I’d better finish it before they realize what they did!

I thought I was already cried out. I cried when I came home that afternoon, as soon as I saw him. I cried as I dug the hole in the back yard, next to where Kitty had been buried six years ago. I cried in the shower after the hole was finished. Then we were all laughing, a celebration of living life to its fullest, in the form of high-quality tuna.

Then Dr. Schultz arrived, and everything got sad again. He gave Banzai a sedative before the main injection, and Banzai and I had five last minutes together as he became sleepy and numb. I stroked his head as the purr diminished.

And then he was gone. I couldn’t believe it. Part of me still can’t, almost a week later. I was overcome with sorrow, wailing and convulsing over him. My eyes played tricks on me, as his body appeared to still have a tiny bit of heaving in it. I wished to God that there was more I could have done. I begged Banzai for forgiveness for making this terrible decision.

Banzai was laid to rest last Wednesday, 1 August 2001, sent off in a picnic basket with his blanket, his dish and another can of tuna. May there be someone with a can opener where he’s headed.

Safe journey, my dear old friend — I trust and hope that you are now at peace. I love you.

your thoughts?